no big words just lots of love <3
Hello dear reader,
I know you were not expecting another newsletter this week. I wasn’t expecting sending one, either. When I was considering starting Big Moon Energy, I was thinking, “What will I even write about?” and almost instantaneously, I knew that one of these letters I had to dedicate to my grandfather. Believe it or not, the fact that I could get to write about dada was what actually encouraged me to “just do it, just start a newsletter already, we’ll see later what happens, just start.”
I am writing this because today marks 3 years since I lost my dada. Its funny because I have thought about writing about him for a long time, but now that I have the chance, I am at a loss for words. It is so overwhelming. He was my favorite person in the whole world, I think he was everybody’s favorite person, he was SUCH a force, such a light to be around. He gave me 19 years of unconditional and non-judgmental love and when I would be around him, it would feel so warm, just warm and nice. Nothing else. He had a way about himself that made everyone fall in love with him. Everybody respected him. I’m not just saying this because its my dada that I’m talking about, anyone who knew him even a little bit, would say the same. He was so caring, so gentle, and had such a soft heart. He couldn’t bear the pain of others, never. Tears would well up in his eyes upon seeing injustice.
Apart from being a really kind and caring person, he was also, very, VERY WHOLESOME. I mean, he could really be the reason why I am the way that I am. I am proud to say that I inherited my share of wholesomeness from him. My fondest memory of him, that I keep playing in my head a dozen times a day, is from this one particular day. I had gone downstairs and when he saw me he pulled me aside and asked me, “Aashvi, I want to take your dadi somewhere, is there some movie on in the theatres that we could go see? Can you tell me a nice restaurant I can take her to? She likes Dosa and South Indian food, help me, she should become happy, do you know a nice place?” I MEAN. How cute is that, haa? So pure and so romantic and so sweet. He wanted to make dadi happy and he wanted to take her to some nice new place. I can never forget how much I loved him in that moment, for being so earnest, for wanting to do something nice for his wife. Not a day passes by when I don’t think about him but when I start getting sad, I just replay this memory over and over until I start to giggle.
Today, I want to celebrate his life, I want to share a few really happy memories that I have of him.
Watching him and dadi play cards in their room, honestly, guys, it was so cute to watch.
Watching him water the plants in our garden early in the morning,
His full and hearty laugh, the radiance of his face. His face really glowed all the time. That’s what being unproblematic, kind, empathetic and positive does to you.
The memory of him using his beautiful gold betel nut cracker.
Every first day of a new year when him and dadi would take all of us kids, all six of us kids, someplace nice to eat, or out for a little picnic.
How he would take me out to shop for groceries whenever he was going, when I was a wee little kid of 4-5, because I loved “shopping” with him.
The way he’d always squeeze a generous amount of lemon juice into his food, specially samosas. (I have come to realise that I have taken to his habit of putting too much lemon in everything I eat, and it really makes me happy, getting to share that love of the flavor with him)
Our phone conversations early in the morning, when I was in another city for college, and how he always sounded alright, and the relief I felt after talking to him. We wouldn’t talk about much but just hearing his voice would be good enough.
Hearing him humming “Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein Khayal Aata Hai” absentmindedly while driving, while doing anything at all. It would always be this song for some reason.
How he would get excited about it when I brought home a bottle of Coca Cola, and drink his glass with relish. See? How could you not love this person?? Such a cute little softie.
How he always believed in me, always. Fully. He thought I could do anything. There was no convincing him otherwise. And how he would repeatedly tell me that he knew I could do anything.
How I went to him one day when I was a child, throwing a tantrum because my parents were watching their television show and how he almost got dressed to buy me a new whole ass television. Grandparents are so extra with their love.
How he would tell me and everyone else that he thought I had a very good habit of reading books. He was always so proud of me, so proud of the fact that I liked to read.
How he would roam around late at night on our marble verandah, anxiously waiting for me to come back from dropping my friend off at her place, only going to bed once he’d see me come home.
How he would start talking in English to me and my cousins and how absolutely elegant and charming it sounded, coming from him.
My favorite one, when he came home and told me that a girl came to him and dadi while they were having lunch at a restaurant and asked them if she could take a picture of them because they looked so cute. He was so shy and happy.
Death is devastating and sometimes it feels like I will never recover from the grief of losing him, its like a part of me left the world with him and nothing, nothing or no one in this world can fill the void that that left inside me. I think of him everyday, every waking moment. But in retrospect, he did live a beautiful life and isn’t that lovely? I am glad that I saw him living his best life and remember him being a big ball of happiness and positivity and wholesomeness and all things nice. I can’t stop saying the word ‘nice’ because that’s just how he was, no big word or fancy vocabulary will do any justice to describing him as much as the word ‘nice’ does.
Sending you all my love, dada. I hope you’re enjoying some nice samosas with lemon up there in heaven and I love you very much.
And of course, in remembrance of him, for him, I can not put any other song here.
Love and Warmth,